Between two worlds

I have always been into art. But could never identify myself as an artist. Because those were the ones who could sketch a perfect portrait. Or colour a real life scenery to the finest of detail.

I on the other hand, mostly just had an eye for art, that had no rules. Which was abstract and flowing. More bohemian than modern. More form than function.

And to me somehow, Art has never been liberating. But rather burdening. Making me feel like a liar, an outcast. Someone who has been hiding their true colours when in a pool of engineers. And at the same time I was someone who distanced herself from the artists. As they always appeared un-relatable and different.

This is what I call being stuck between two worlds. Never fully here, never fully there. Floating somewhere in the void.

You could call me a jack of all traits and master of none. And I have had big time commitment issues throughout my life. I would always want some thing really bad. Like a book or a gadget. And would feel that it could change my life. But the moment I got it, it bore no value. Almost instantaneously, it would lose all its appeal, as if the whole deal was only about trying to find something un-attainable. 

This almost whimsical behaviour continued through other pursuits in my life as well. Being an Infp, I would find myself either giving it my all, working day and night to get something done. And in contrast, disobeying all the responsibilities of adult life, finding myself lost for motivation to get day-to-day tasks done. 

If I got my mind to something, I would pursue it almost frantically. Like finding a house. Where I would pour all my heart and blood, getting deeply involved. So when things wouldn't work out, the emotions would get the better of me.

Similarly, with being a software engineer, it is somewhat the creative aspects of the profession that would interest me. Debugging, finding why, are the favourite parts of this job for me. But only, if and only, I can see the bigger picture. Because I could never find myself geeking(pardon the stereotype) about the intricacies of a technology, finding delight in understanding how something works for the sake of it. I would also often find myself taken down by my emotional self, overthinking why someone said what they said. And dealing with deadlines does not come naturally to me, as I would work in highs and lows.

I have 100s of ideas for a business or startup written down on my Keep notes. And a couple of hobbies that I never pursued after picking up. Books that I bought but didn't read. Clothes that I bought but never wore. Trash that I collected but never DIYed. You get the idea...

And I never want to do the right thing at the right time. If left on my own, I would want to do something creative in the day and work at night. It can get the job done, but it leads to some amount of stress, as you know you can just reverse the order and get it right in the first go. And that is probably why I am more late than on time. More messy than organised. But when I get to cleaning I would scrape off every tiny particle of dust from the floor corner.

I would say, it is the overflowing, in a way imbalanced Vata in my body, resulting in this unpredictable behaviour. I used to read a book as a kid, the story of Susan, the girl who half did things, and somehow, very strangely, I find myself relating to her, of all people, the most. 

It feels like I am almost trapped in this influx of ideas and possibilities, so much that I could never get anything really done. Waiting for the perfect time, the perfect opportunity, having so much to offer but doing nothing. Meticulously planning the week, the month and the year on paper and forgetting all about it the next day. Passionate chef one day and a writer on the next. It feels like my mind, body and soul needs some grounding, and perhaps some discipline.

Only if it does not cost me of me. Because I would still want to try 5 different outfits before going out, experimenting with a new combination of accessories. Try a new recipe, even though at times it would turn out to be a disaster. Because that to me is joy.

I have always believed that people are like characters in a game of cards. With each one having its own value. Imagine a game of Dominion or Monopoly. Where there are few cards that are safe, the ones that are always dependable. And then a few that are often rendered useless until they turn the whole game around, if thrown at the right time. I think we all have our unique capabilities to offer in this world. And we should continue working towards them so that we can share our gifts, our individualities to build a better tomorrow. 

Of causes and potential,
XOXO